Till Death Do Us Part…

To me pregnancy is associated with anxiety, devastating fear, sorrow, pain and death… Photo by: Hanne Paludan Kristensen

I arrived at the Copenhagen Fertility Center for my safety scan on Monday February 16th at 3.15pm. I was now in week 10+4.
I had a really bad feeling…but I tried to hide it.
Mostly out of consideration for my boyfriend who is an unquenchable optimist and who was 110 percent sure everything was as it should be.

But it wasn’t.

The happiness about the baby didn’t last very long.

The fetus was dead.

Again.

The measurement showed that the fetus had probably died in what corresponds to week 7+5.
I had been scanned in week 7+1 and everything looked fine then. So the fetus died just four days after that scan.

It was almost the exact same scenario as in 2011. It was too hard to even think about. What is it that happens in week 7-8 to cause this?
It’s striking that the fetus died at virtually the same time as it did at the missed abortion I had in 2011.
Is there something wrong with me?
Are there something wrong with my eggs?
It’s just so unfair. I apologize if I sound full of self-pity, but I probably just feel really sorry for myself right now.
I am just so damn sad and upset.
It’s not fair that people who abuse and neglect their children, and people who more or less don’t care about their children, can have children at random.
And I can’t have any.

I’m terrified, to say the least, that it’ll never happen for us.
What will the consequences be then?
My boyfriend wants to have children. Am I at risk of losing him?

Relationships always have their ups and downs. Next time we are going down, will he be thinking that, since I can’t give him children, the obvious choice will be to end the relationship?
I can’t stand the thought.

Read more about my thoughts and emotions connected to the unfortunate circumstances in the upcoming posts.
You can read about how I feel betrayed by my own body, about the feelings of guilt and how I experience my boyfriend’s reactions or lack thereof.
I’ve been through fertility treatments both as a single and now with a partner. In the upcoming posts, I will try to compare the two different situations.
The pros and cons.

 

/Hanne ❤